Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
