Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
