have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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