I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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