I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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