My liver just broke up with me...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
