my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
This is my gift to your gina
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
