had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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