I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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