Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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