I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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