I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
