Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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