I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
