I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
