I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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