They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
