she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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