The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
3pm strippers are depressing
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
