new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
