By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
