I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
