Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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