Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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