I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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