why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
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you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
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A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"