Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
