She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
