Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
how drunk are you?
Several
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
