so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize