should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
