I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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