and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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