Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
