K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
