Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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