dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
