i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
