there was a trapeze. enough said
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
