i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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