I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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