Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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