tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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