Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
