Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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