My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
