He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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