I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
