i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
