I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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