she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize