MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
