She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
