I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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