i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
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