that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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