i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You can't special order awesome
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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